One really ought to seek professional help for following German politics from Wellington. 

Like all addicts, I have a splendid rationalisation: My fortnightly column on European affairs for Newsroom requires me to stay informed about German politics. How convenient. 

But who am I kidding? No journalist needs to maintain multiple German newspaper subscriptions. Or listen to German radio with disturbing regularity. Or know the names of all 16 state premiers – and their predecessors. 

Despite having left Germany more than two decades ago, I remain hopelessly devoted to following its political machinations. 

In truth, there is no rational explanation for my behaviour. 

German politics is like a poorly scripted soap opera. The acting is dreadful, the plot twists are implausible. Surely there are better things I could do with my time. Perhaps updating my emergency earthquake kit. Or reading terms and conditions for online subscriptions. Or dealing with Wellington City Council. 

Yet here I am, all excited about Germany’s latest political crisis. The scripts keep getting more absurd. You can read all about it in my latest Newsroom column. 

Take last week’s episode. The Chancellor sacked his finance minister on live television. The former Justice Minister responded by publishing an electronic song about it.  
The Federal Election Commissioner claimed early elections might be impossible due to a paper shortage.  

The paper industry immediately contradicted this claim. The opposition suggested the Chancellor had orchestrated the paper crisis to delay the election. The Chancellor denied this.  

Europe’s industrial powerhouse had descended into arguing about office supplies. You could not make it up. 

One might think that delivering such entertainment would satisfy my appetite for watching institutional dysfunction. But no. 

My other German addiction is following FC Schalke 04. Once a giant of European football, my club now celebrates unexpected victories against bottom-placed teams in the second division. Their 2-0 win against Jahn Regensburg made my Monday morning. 

Perhaps there is a connection between following German politics and supporting Schalke. Both require a fondness for tragedy and a high tolerance for administrative incompetence.  

Some people cannot quit smoking. Others struggle without caffeine. My affliction is following German institutions that reliably deliver disappointment. 

The 84 percent of my fellow Germans yearning for early elections probably do not realise their soap opera is unlikely to improve even after the votes are counted, whenever that may be. 

But like me, they know there is always hope. Or at least another cliffhanger episode. 

Read Oliver Hartwich’s Newsroom column about the implosion of Germany’s traffic light coalition here.